Many thanks to Matthew Grimes for the translation of this drama track. If you haven’t heard it before, it’s fantastic! You can find it on the Neon Genesis Evangelion Addition album, second track. It’s about 21 1/2 minutes or so and it features just about the entire original Japanese vocal cast. Please keep in mind that it is complete fiction. There is no extension of the series.


Part 1 (0:00-3:30):

اسوكا: Whaaaaaat!? They’reextending our series run due to unexpected popularity”!?

ميساتو: Yup.

اسوكا: Nobody told me about this!

Ritsuko: We just did.

Touji: We get called together for the first time in a while and this is the news we’re treated to.

كنسوكي: I was enjoying that long vacation after the series ended.

Fuyutsuki: Sadly our idle days are over.

Gendou: في الواقع. Even the scheduling of our first new episodes as been finished.

Maya: They’ve already gone that far?

Hyuuga: To think that they spent so much time giving us the green light to start the series.

كاجي: It’s a capitalist world.

اسوكا: But why do we have to put up with decisions made by some higher-ups for profit!?

ميساتو: Economics is the foundation of society and our popularity is what puts our food on our tables!

الملك: It was said a long time ago: “Your work and your popularity- never take them for granted.

Ritsuko: Pushing your talents is a way to keep the worst at bay.

ميساتو: In this world where you can’t count on tomorrow, you should be thankful that we even have a steady job.

اسوكا: Well, that’s true. This is better than lying in a hospital bed. Roger. Fine. Lets do it.

الملك: What’s the situation?

ميساتو: Actually, we’re really pressed for time.

Ritsuko: The script was actually due today, and recording the voices has to be finished by tonight.

All: (Exasperated panic)

ميساتو: So basically we need our ideas set by this evening.

اسوكا: That’s impossible!!

ميساتو: We don’t have a choice! That’s what Mr. Ohtsuki from King Records wants (and I OK’d it…) Just think of this as the fate of a popular show.

Ritsuko: There’s no use complaining about something that’s been set in stone. The healthiest thing to do now is look at the situation and accept it.

اسوكا: يا, but, c’mon!

ميساتو: No c’mons, what are you going to do, go on strike?

Ritsuko: The best thing to do now is to figure out how to overcome this crisis.

Maya: We can all work together to solve the problem!

اسوكا: (Under her breath) يا, please.

Touji: I guess we should’ve easily seen this coming.

Maya: نجاح باهر, kids these days are cynical.

كنسوكي: I guess now what’s left to do is the systematic identification of problem points, their analysis and evaluation, followed by drawing out an appropriate conclusion about the solution thereof.

Maya: نجاح باهر, kids these days have matured!

كنسوكي: Anyways, if we wish the recovery, maintenance, then growth of our popularity, the first thing begging consideration is the return of you-know-who to the show.

ميساتو: يا, don’t worry, I’ve already called him. (footsteps of you-know-who)

Kaoru: I’m Kaoru Nagisa. We meet again.

اسوكا: Well hello, homo-boy.

Kaoru: I really wish you wouldn’t make statements when you lack evidence for them. يا, Sorry, I suppose the only things you lack are restraint and brains.

اسوكا: يا, shut up!

Touji: She’s just pissed ‘cuz he can’t deny it.

اسوكا: يا, ما! As if YOU don’t lack brains!?

Touji: Screw you! Have you noticed that you’re also lacking breasts!?

Kaoru: Too bad you couldn’t say the same for her gut.

اسوكا: You guys just lack any sense of warmth and empathy! (Background erupts in everybody giving their own stupidlackwitticisms.)

كنسوكي: You all lack supportiveness and teamwork.

Maya: We as a team lack time and funds.

ميساتو: (Frustrated grunt) And while we all play this stupidlackfight, our deadlines are drawing closer second by second.

Hyuuga: This is what they call adaipinchi” (big pinch) isn’t it?

Aoba: But restarting a series in such short notice would be a legendary feat. I’d say it’s impossible.

ميساتو: Exactly. So I was thinking of just changing the story direction completely.

Ritsuko: It’s been decided that the ideas for the story will now be drawn from a wider base than just the writers.

Touji: So that’s why we’re really here.

ميساتو: Yup. I’m expecting fresh suggestions from you all.

Hyuuga: Well then the best new thing to push is obvious!

Fuyutsuki: Yes. Sex appeal.

Gendou: Absolutely. Mark it as our primary battle plan.

Part 2 (3:30-5:27):

ميساتو: In other words, I’ll have you two debut all over again as the show’splug-chicks!”

اسوكا: Plugchicks!?

Ritsuko: Here are the newly designed plugsuits.

اسوكا: What the heck is this!? It’ll show my panties completely!

Maya: These suits are definitely a blow to the head.

Ritsuko: You mean the crotch? They’ll be more appreciated by our audience this way.

ميساتو: Oh they’re fine! You guys are young! (Sound of plugsuits shrinking)

اسوكا: On top of that, you can see where the breast nubbins are, even what color they are!

Ritsuko: You mean the nipples? You’ll be more appreciated by our audience this way.

ميساتو: Oh they’re fine! You guys are young!

اسوكا: I don’t care how young I am; a line has been crossed here.

ميساتو: Rei doesn’t seem to have a problem.

اسوكا: يا, c’mon First, say something. You’re a chaste princess, aren’t you?

الملك: I don’t mind. It comes with the job.

اسوكا: You never change. You’ve always lacked lines and taste.

الملك: It doesn’t matter. I don’t have anything.

اسوكا: يا, come on! Just look at yourself! If you tweaked the suit a little they’d even see you-know-where, (Does something) see!?

(Reaction from male cast members)

Kaoru: شينجي, what’s wrong? You’re bleeding from the nose. (Blood drops hit floor)

Touji: Well, you don’t see you-know-what every day.

كنسوكي: I don’t blame him.

اسوكا: On top of that, how’s this!? (Suit shrinks even more. More male reactions.)

Ritsuko: يا, hello Commander Ikari.

Fuyutsuki: What’s wrong, إيكاري? You’re bleeding from the nose. (Blood drops hit floor)

Gendou: في, it’s nothing.

ميساتو: Well, ah, I guess this might be stretching some morals.

اسوكا: I told you. If this were TV there’d be digital blurring on us.

الملك: I don’t mind. It comes with the job.

اسوكا: Of course the teachers pet’ll do anything you guys want her to.

Part 3 (5:27-7:08):

ميساتو: Ok, we’ll get back to the sex appeal issue. Let’s move on to other problems.

اسوكا: Yes teacher! I know a problem!

ميساتو: Yes, اسوكا?

اسوكا: The main problem with our show is the main character I tell you.

Ritsuko: شينجي إيكاري?

اسوكا: Yes! Letting this brooding kid take on the role of main character was a fundamental mistake. I mean he hasn’t said a word since we started working. Can you really call this our main character?

شينجي: يا… sorry.

اسوكا: What are you, stupid!? That’s your first line!? He shows no signs of regret, and there’s no way to change him. He still thinks that the problem’ll go away if he apologizes.

ميساتو: هم.

Ritsuko: She has a point.

Fuyutsuki: Mm. So we change the main character.

Gendou: Yes. I’ve no qualms with that.

شينجي: What? Wait!

اسوكا: Moving on from Stupid Shinji, next there’s this girl.

Ritsuko: REI Ayanami?

اسوكا: Yup. On top of the main character we’ve got gloominess personified. We’ve got to do something about Puppet Girl.

Fuyutsuki: But she’s always number one in the popularity polls.

Gendou: I’ve no qualms with her.

اسوكا: And that’s what I can’t figure out! She has few appearances and fewer lines. She has the easy job of just standing in the corner of the frame and she gets all the votes. She’s like a pull-string doll, she goes (imitating Rei’s voice) “Fine, do soor “يا, that’s niceorByeAND THAT’S ALL SHE EVER SAYS!!

شينجي: اسوكا, that’s all you ever say these days.

اسوكا: Will you shut up?

Ritsuko: But again, she has a point.

ميساتو: Hmmm, if our posterchild started saying some lines, maybe she’d become even more popular.

Fuyutsuki: It’s worth a try.

Gendou: Yes.

Ritsuko: But under the circumstances we can’t afford such a high risk change.

ميساتو: Lets just go for the fail-safe cliche, the high school love comedy.

Part 4 (7:08-8:12):

(School bell chimes)

اسوكا (In a mock gangster (yakuza) voice and dialect): Are you the transfer student, Ayanami Rei?

الملك: Yes. Probably the third.

اسوكا: To pass before I, Asuka-sama, the school bully, without a word or greeting, you are a brave one.

الملك: Sure. I don’t know.

اسوكا: Should I throw a hard one into you as punishment…?

الملك: Do so.

اسوكا: Couldn’t you just talk more? You’re pissing me off!

الملك: I may talk?

اسوكا: If you can, go ahead.

الملك: (Deep breath) I’ve been listening all this time with you going off and carrying on and what am I supposed to say now? Here you are all jealous just because you get half my votes in the (Evangelion character) popularity polls, I mean really if all you have is youth and energy you’ll be limited in whatever you do. (Maya cuts in here with the lines shown below) I’ll teach you that cute looks won’t get you everywherewith some physical education-(slapping Asuka) slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap

Maya: Umthis doesn’t really come off as a love comedymore like a schoolyard gang drama.

ميساتو: You don’t say.

Ritsuko: But the problem isn’t that.

Fuyutsuki: -This isn’t good.-

Gendou: Mm. It’s not the plot that needs changing. That isn’t my Rei out there.

الملك: …slap slap slap. … “Anta-baka” “Anta-baka.You’re the baka. Hm. …Ahh, much better.

Part 5 (8:12-9:29):

ميساتو: So we’re keeping Rei as she is.

Ritsuko: But we are in a monotone and dangerous slump. Isn’t there some radical new idea that can break the pattern?

اسوكا: Herehere! I’ve got just such a superawesome good idea!

ميساتو: What is it, اسوكا?

اسوكا: A sentai show!

All: A sentai show!?

اسوكا: Yes! It already has a 40 year history, with a proud heritage in special effects. Doing a sentai show would be the best way to go!

شينجي: But nowadays only children and otaku watch them.

اسوكا: What are you, stupid? That’s what I’m going after. In addition to the big grownups we’ll have the little kiddies and it’d be a textbook example of killing two birds with one stone! Our popularity would double!

ميساتو: Huh!

Ritsuko: She has a point.

اسوكا: Luckily we do have five pilots, so everything’s already set.

شينجي: Um, who’s going to be the main character?

اسوكا: Well of course the leader has to be the one wearing red, the color of justice.

Kaoru: It can’t be me?

اسوكا: What are you talking about? It’s always been that the red one’s the leader; it’s a law!

Touji: She suggested the sentai idea just so she could be the leader.

اسوكا: God, you’re nitpicky for a boy. There’s no reason to wait; let’s do it.

Part 6 (9:29-11:40):

(Translator’s note: A parody of the formulaic sentai genre, where there’s always 5 people in different colored nylon suits battling aliens, e.g. Power Rangers)

An energetic Asuka and mumbling Rei, شينجي, Touji and Kaoru: Shinsentai (as opposed toshinseiki”) Evangelion!

(cheesy explosions and Angel’s grumblings)

ميساتو: A new angel has arrived! All members, scramble!

اسوكا: Roger! Everyone! Let’s go!

الملك, شينجي, Touji, and Kaoru (unmotivated and uncoordinated): Roger.

(More cheesy angel grumblings)

اسوكا: Halt! Her suit color is the crimson of Justice! Representing effort and hardiness, Second Red! Her suit color is as blank as her brain, mute and stagnant, First White!

الملك: I don’t mind. She comes with the job.

اسوكا: His suit color is the blue of depression! A hard-core baka, the antisocial Third Blue!

شينجي: Can’t run away.

اسوكا: His suit color is the green of his Kansai accent (I don’t get it- Translator) A hot-headed epicure, Fourth Green!

Touji: Can I get down now?

اسوكا: His suit color is the black of passive-aggressiveness, narcissistic to the core, Fifth Black!

Kaoru: Songs are nice.

اسوكا: Cutting a path through this severe era, we’re Shinsentai Evangelion! …Ha! Prog Blade! (yet more cheesy sounds of battle) Palette Blaster! (Boom, smash)

ميساتو: Oh no, Asuka’s hogging the show.

Ritsuko: How are the results of the research?

Hyuuga: Not good. The ratings haven’t budged an inch.

Maya: No complaint phonecalls.

Aoba: The fax is still silent.

ميساتو: In other words, nobody’s watching.

Fuyutsuki: We’ll have to do a re-take.

Gendou: Mm.

Part 7 (11:40-13:24):

ميساتو: I guess this means that people just aren’t looking for another sentai show these days.

Ritsuko: I think we went wrong when we adopted an institution without making any changes of our own. We’ve learned our lesson.

اسوكا: (mumbling) يا, what’s wrong with it, as long as some people like it?

ميساتو: So our attempt at radical change failed, but if we don’t change something we’re finished.

Ritsuko: If we don’t change something we’ll just thin out and die away like a candle flame.

شينجي: Umwhat about taking in our viewers opinions and using themforum, ideas…?

Kaoru: A fabulous idea. Very good, شينجي.

Maya: So we’ll be walking step by step with the trends of the times.

اسوكا: But if you spend all your time listening to the viewers you’ll never make anything good.

ميساتو: We haven’t a choice now. There’s no worth to a product that doesn’t sell.

Ritsuko: (Papers rustling) Misato-sansa, how about this?

ميساتو: هم? Let’s see. (reading letter) “Why is it that although the Evas are giant robots, they can’t transform or combine? That’s boring”!?

اسوكا: (Claps hands together) Of course!

Aoba: He has

Maya: …a point.

Hyuuga: But how are we going to get them to transform all of a sudden?

اسوكا: I know! First, we have them get completely creamed once.

Hyuuga: And then we interrupt it with a commercial or end the episode, then introduce the change.

Ritsuko: I see, a fundamental overhaul of the mechas in the middle of the seriesalso known as thepower up”…

ميساتو: Didn’t we already change the Model Zero once?

اسوكا: That was nothing! All we did was change the colors a bit! We’re talking something much bigger here.

شينجي: What’s wrong with the Eva’s we have now?

اسوكا: You never cease to amaze me with your ultradenseness. There’s nothing as untrendy as a giant robot nowadays that can’t even fly.

Ritsuko: It doesn’t even have enough weapons for us to be able to sell weapon sets independently of the toy robots.

Fuyutsuki: So we’ll have the Evas transform and combine, and introduce new power-up parts.

Gendou: I have no qualms.

Part 8 (13:24-15:30):

ميساتو: Are all three units ready? The time has come for us to try the new transform/combine system. We’re counting on you!

اسوكا: Leave it to us! You better be ready, شينجي.

شينجي: آه, yeah. Transforming…. uh, EvaJet. (Big transforming sounds)

Maya: Amazing! The Eva-1 transformed from Japan’s number one export, a sedan, to a jumbo jet!

اسوكا: CHAAAAAANGE! EVATRAIN! SWITCH-ONNN!!! (More big transformation sounds, along with the sound of a cross-country train)

Aoba: Whoa, the Eva-2 changed from the symbol of modern engineering, the Tokyo Tower, to an Eagle Bullet Train!!

الملك: Change, Eva Ship. (More sounds)

Hyuuga: Yes! The Eva-zero changed from the epitome of maritime technology, the oil tanker Idemitsu-maru, to a general purpose warship!

اسوكا: Get ready to combine!!

الملك>, شينجي: Roger.

اسوكا, الملك, شينجي: The three become one! Evangelion II!! (More sounds)

Aoba: My god, the three units combined to form a giant robotic replica of Akebono, the sumo wrestler!

اسوكا: On top of this, depending on the order and method of combination, it can turn into the famous make-out spot, Rainbow Bridge, or one of the construction wonders of the world, the Kurion Dam, or even all 53.85 kilometers of the Seikan Tunnel!!

ميساتو: Like a phoenix from the ashes, the Evas have been reborn as the embodiment of every toy manufacturer’s fantasy!

اسوكا: Evangelion II, GO!! (sounds) Broadsword, giant slash! (Angel sounds)

Ritsuko: هكذا, how does the market research look?

Maya: Not good.

Ritsuko: What’s wrong with this?

Part 9 (15:30-16:17):

ميساتو: So issue here is the enemy, then.

اسوكا: Of course it is! Who are we gonna fight anyway? We killed the last angel in episode 24!

Kaoru: Are you referring to me?

اسوكا: يا, you’re still here? Why don’t you just be a bad guy again?

Kaoru: في; to play traitor to my kind and convert to the forces of good, joining your side as an ally, all in the name of love, such is the dramatic role allotted to tragics like myself. Especially for beautiful tragics like myself.

الملك: Stay then.

Ritsuko: We haven’t much time. Lets organize our situation.

Maya: One problem that’s plagued us is that what the angels -were- was never really clear.

Fuyutsuki: They were rather mysterious and nobody really got them, did they?

. Gendou: في. That would be our problem.

ميساتو: So our focus is to solve that somehow.

اسوكا: I know! How about if we have them introduce themselves?

Part 10 (16:17-17:32):

(Ominous music)

Scary Voice: I am from Mars, one of theBlackGod”-ian race. Foolish humans; I shall kill you all with the Space Angels under my power!

(Cheesy sci-fi space explosions)

اسوكا: See! Now the enemy’s identity, goals, and organization are clear as day!

Hyuuga: Clear as polished glass.

ميساتو: So instead of using the worderadicateas we’ve been doing, we should’ve just saidkill them all,” huh.

اسوكا: So all we have to do is introduce an second wave of soldiers from this guy.

Ritsuko: We keep the designs the same and just use a different color palette.

Another Scary Voice: I am no weakling BlackGod! I have come here from the Great Black Hole, via the White Hole express, and I am the SpaceBlackGod!!! Using the Disc Angels under my command I shall kill you all!

(some more sci-fi sounds)

اسوكا: And so our story shifts locations to outer space!

Hyuuga: The backgrounds will certainly be easier to draw that way.

Some animator: And instead of making the robots walk we can just drag still images of them across the camera. It’d save our production costs.

ميساتو: Nice, اسوكا!

Fuyutsuki: Absolutely perfect.

Gendouu: Absolutely.

Part 11 (17:33-end):

Ritsuko: I can think of only one other must-have ingredient for a serieslongevity

ميساتو: Animals, of course. Animals! We need the mascot characters to contribute more.

شينجي: Like maybe if Pen-Pen learns to speak Japanese.

الملك: Good idea.

Ritsuko: Alright then, lets have Pen-pen perform some lines.

Pen-Pen: And about goddamn time too! Here I am, sitting beside you all through the whole meeting; how dare you ignore me up until just now!? The all the currents of the times are pointing to us penguins, penguins, penguins I tell you! Just pop me on a TV screen and you’ll get high school chicks from the four corners of the earth swarming it, screamingHe’s so cute!” I’ll lay down the marketing plan see, first we

ميساتو: يا, god, Asuka stop him!

اسوكا: اه, waiHold on there, ya little… (sounds of struggle, Pen-Pen screams, loses ability to speak Japanese. Standard NERV control room alarms and buzzers start going off.)

Fuyutsuki: We haven’t any time left!

ميساتو: Lets wrap this up.

Maya: What else could we possibly add?

Hyuuga: عمل, of course, action left and right, brain-numbing action is the

ميساتو: As a woman I’ve gotta push the trendy drama series idea; It’s got trendiness, and drama; how can any adult resist?

الملك: Feelingregret

اسوكا: NERV gets destroyed in the first new episode.

Aoba: Develop old characters and introduce new ones.

Fuyutsuki: How about a serial mystery series?

Hyuuga: We’ll develop a static and detailed internal universe!

اسوكا: The Eva Brothers!

Touji: A story about the Naniwa Burglar! (A Kansai folk tale. Couldn’t possibly fit into Evangelion.) Or a blood-sweat-n’-tears sports saga would be cool too.

Ritsuko: Didn’t you say you liked Kansai themes, اسوكا?

اسوكا: (In a Kansai dialect) Don’t you start grouping Kobe and Osaka together.

Kaoru: All of these still lack a certain grace.

اسوكا: I told you to shut up, homoboy!

Ritsuko: We could center the story around a single woman innkeeper.

Maya: We are set in a hot-spring area after all.

اسوكا: And market the show with lots of bathing scenes?

الملك: Feelingregret

Aoba: The meteoric rise and tragic fall of a university hospital surgeon with too much ambition.

Hyuuga: The show needs a sweaty dose of macho!

اسوكا: What it needs is song, singing, a musical! The vocalized pangs of the heart! (Proceeds to demonstrate with extemporaneous song.)

Maya: But all of these will take up far too much time and stacks of celluloid.

Ritsuko: That kind of service to the fans will ultimately ruin us.

(A brief moment of verbal chaos as the characters continue to spout the virtues of their ideas)

Fuyutsuki: This isn’t good; we aren’t approaching any conclusion.

Aoba: We might as well stop and take a vote here.

Hyuuga: في; I don’t think we even have time for that; especially if we mess up the counting.

Ritsuko: We have to bring it to the studio in less than a few minutes.

ميساتو: We need to slice this knot with a definitive decision.

اسوكا: I’ve got it! We’ll do asound-only anime!”

All: “Sound-only anime”!?

اسوكا: Yup. As soon as the show begins, there’s a blackout. That way, the screen can be blank, we can use a black plastic sheet for the background, and we won’t have to paint a single cel.

ميساتو: Huh! I see!

اسوكا: On top of that, if we have the actors make all the sound effects and sing the background music, we can take out the whole dubbing process, and get more salary to boot, three birds with one stone! If something’s still vague, we’ll spell it out in the narration.

Fuyutsuki: We haven’t much choice; what the hell, we’ll do that.

Gendouu: Yes.

(The actors a capella a condensed version of the first episode, complete with an angel appearing amidst the sounds of cicadas and sirens, being bombarded by the U.N, then being pounded to death by a howling Eva that appears with sung musical accompaniment. There’s a kazoo in there somewhere too.)

ميساتو: (in character) My god, the Eva-01 beat an angel! (Telephones ring.)

Maya: We’re being flooded by complaints.

Aoba: The fax machine’s not spewing any praise either.

Maya: We’re being overloaded, we can’t handle this input!

Hyuuga: The ratings meter is lower than its ever been; in fact, the exact reading is off the meter!

شينجي: Argh

Ritsuko: It’s shameful.

Fuyutsuki: We should induce brain stem rejection; no, let’s just cut it off.

Gendouu: Yes.

(Sound of us being unplugged.)


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