Many thanks to Matthew Grimes for the translation of this drama track. If you haven’t heard it before, it’s fantastic! You can find it on the Neon Genesis Evangelion Addition album, second track. It’s about 21 1/2 minutes or so and it features just about the entire original Japanese vocal cast. Please keep in mind that it is complete fiction. There is no extension of the series.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Part 1 (0:00-3:30):

Asuka: Whaaaaaat!? They’reextending our series run due to unexpected popularity”!?

Мисато: Yup.

Asuka: Nobody told me about this!

Рицуко: We just did.

Touji: We get called together for the first time in a while and this is the news we’re treated to.

Kensuke: I was enjoying that long vacation after the series ended.

Фуюцуки: Sadly our idle days are over.

Gendou: Indeed. Even the scheduling of our first new episodes as been finished.

Майя: They’ve already gone that far?

Hyuuga: To think that they spent so much time giving us the green light to start the series.

Кадзи: It’s a capitalist world.

Asuka: But why do we have to put up with decisions made by some higher-ups for profit!?

Мисато: Economics is the foundation of society and our popularity is what puts our food on our tables!

Кароль: It was said a long time ago: “Your work and your popularity- never take them for granted.

Рицуко: Pushing your talents is a way to keep the worst at bay.

Мисато: In this world where you can’t count on tomorrow, you should be thankful that we even have a steady job.

Asuka: Well, that’s true. This is better than lying in a hospital bed. Роджэр. Fine. Lets do it.

Кароль: What’s the situation?

Мисато: Actually, we’re really pressed for time.

Рицуко: The script was actually due today, and recording the voices has to be finished by tonight.

All: (Exasperated panic)

Мисато: So basically we need our ideas set by this evening.

Asuka: That’s impossible!!

Мисато: We don’t have a choice! That’s what Mr. Ohtsuki from King Records wants (and I OK’d it…) Just think of this as the fate of a popular show.

Рицуко: There’s no use complaining about something that’s been set in stone. The healthiest thing to do now is look at the situation and accept it.

Asuka: Ох, but, c’mon!

Мисато: No c’mons, what are you going to do, go on strike?

Рицуко: The best thing to do now is to figure out how to overcome this crisis.

Майя: We can all work together to solve the problem!

Asuka: (Under her breath) Ох, please.

Touji: I guess we should’ve easily seen this coming.

Майя: Wow, kids these days are cynical.

Kensuke: I guess now what’s left to do is the systematic identification of problem points, their analysis and evaluation, followed by drawing out an appropriate conclusion about the solution thereof.

Майя: Wow, kids these days have matured!

Kensuke: Anyways, if we wish the recovery, maintenance, then growth of our popularity, the first thing begging consideration is the return of you-know-who to the show.

Мисато: Ох, don’t worry, I’ve already called him. (footsteps of you-know-who)

Kaoru: I’m Kaoru Nagisa. We meet again.

Asuka: Well hello, homo-boy.

Kaoru: I really wish you wouldn’t make statements when you lack evidence for them. Ох, Выбачайце, I suppose the only things you lack are restraint and brains.

Asuka: Ох, затыкніся!

Touji: She’s just pissed ‘cuz he can’t deny it.

Asuka: Ох, што! As if YOU don’t lack brains!?

Touji: Screw you! Have you noticed that you’re also lacking breasts!?

Kaoru: Too bad you couldn’t say the same for her gut.

Asuka: You guys just lack any sense of warmth and empathy! (Background erupts in everybody giving their own stupidlackwitticisms.)

Kensuke: You all lack supportiveness and teamwork.

Майя: We as a team lack time and funds.

Мисато: (Frustrated grunt) And while we all play this stupidlackfight, our deadlines are drawing closer second by second.

Hyuuga: This is what they call adaipinchi” (big pinch) ці не так?

Aoba: But restarting a series in such short notice would be a legendary feat. I’d say it’s impossible.

Мисато: Exactly. So I was thinking of just changing the story direction completely.

Рицуко: It’s been decided that the ideas for the story will now be drawn from a wider base than just the writers.

Touji: So that’s why we’re really here.

Мисато: Yup. I’m expecting fresh suggestions from you all.

Hyuuga: Well then the best new thing to push is obvious!

Фуюцуки: Ды. Sex appeal.

Gendou: Absolutely. Mark it as our primary battle plan.

Part 2 (3:30-5:27):

Мисато: In other words, I’ll have you two debut all over again as the show’splug-chicks!”

Asuka: Plugchicks!?

Рицуко: Here are the newly designed plugsuits.

Asuka: What the heck is this!? It’ll show my panties completely!

Майя: These suits are definitely a blow to the head.

Рицуко: You mean the crotch? They’ll be more appreciated by our audience this way.

Мисато: Oh they’re fine! You guys are young! (Sound of plugsuits shrinking)

Asuka: On top of that, you can see where the breast nubbins are, even what color they are!

Рицуко: You mean the nipples? You’ll be more appreciated by our audience this way.

Мисато: Oh they’re fine! You guys are young!

Asuka: I don’t care how young I am; a line has been crossed here.

Мисато: Rei doesn’t seem to have a problem.

Asuka: Ох, c’mon First, say something. You’re a chaste princess, не вы?

Кароль: I don’t mind. It comes with the job.

Asuka: You never change. You’ve always lacked lines and taste.

Кароль: It doesn’t matter. I don’t have anything.

Asuka: Ох, come on! Just look at yourself! If you tweaked the suit a little they’d even see you-know-where, (Does something) see!?

(Reaction from male cast members)

Kaoru: Синдзи, what’s wrong? You’re bleeding from the nose. (Blood drops hit floor)

Touji: Well, you don’t see you-know-what every day.

Kensuke: I don’t blame him.

Asuka: On top of that, how’s this!? (Suit shrinks even more. More male reactions.)

Рицуко: Ох, hello Commander Ikari.

Фуюцуки: What’s wrong, Ikari? You’re bleeding from the nose. (Blood drops hit floor)

Gendou: У, it’s nothing.

Мисато: Well, ah, I guess this might be stretching some morals.

Asuka: I told you. If this were TV there’d be digital blurring on us.

Кароль: I don’t mind. It comes with the job.

Asuka: Of course the teachers pet’ll do anything you guys want her to.

Part 3 (5:27-7:08):

Мисато: Ok, we’ll get back to the sex appeal issue. Let’s move on to other problems.

Asuka: Yes teacher! I know a problem!

Мисато: Ды, Asuka?

Asuka: The main problem with our show is the main character I tell you.

Рицуко: Shinji Ikari?

Asuka: Ды! Letting this brooding kid take on the role of main character was a fundamental mistake. I mean he hasn’t said a word since we started working. Can you really call this our main character?

Синдзи: Ох… sorry.

Asuka: What are you, stupid!? That’s your first line!? He shows no signs of regret, and there’s no way to change him. He still thinks that the problem’ll go away if he apologizes.

Мисато: Гм.

Рицуко: She has a point.

Фуюцуки: Mm. So we change the main character.

Gendou: Ды. I’ve no qualms with that.

Синдзи: What? Wait!

Asuka: Moving on from Stupid Shinji, next there’s this girl.

Рицуко: Рэй Аянами?

Asuka: Yup. On top of the main character we’ve got gloominess personified. We’ve got to do something about Puppet Girl.

Фуюцуки: But she’s always number one in the popularity polls.

Gendou: I’ve no qualms with her.

Asuka: And that’s what I can’t figure out! She has few appearances and fewer lines. She has the easy job of just standing in the corner of the frame and she gets all the votes. She’s like a pull-string doll, she goes (imitating Rei’s voice) “Fine, do so” або “Ох, that’s nice” або “ByeAND THAT’S ALL SHE EVER SAYS!!

Синдзи: Asuka, that’s all you ever say these days.

Asuka: Will you shut up?

Рицуко: But again, she has a point.

Мисато: Hmmm, if our posterchild started saying some lines, maybe she’d become even more popular.

Фуюцуки: It’s worth a try.

Gendou: Ды.

Рицуко: But under the circumstances we can’t afford such a high risk change.

Мисато: Lets just go for the fail-safe cliche, the high school love comedy.

Part 4 (7:08-8:12):

(School bell chimes)

Asuka (In a mock gangster (yakuza) voice and dialect): Are you the transfer student, Ayanami Rei?

Кароль: Ды. Probably the third.

Asuka: To pass before I, Asuka-sama, the school bully, without a word or greeting, you are a brave one.

Кароль: Sure. I don’t know.

Asuka: Should I throw a hard one into you as punishment…?

Кароль: Do so.

Asuka: Couldn’t you just talk more? You’re pissing me off!

Кароль: I may talk?

Asuka: If you can, go ahead.

Кароль: (Deep breath) I’ve been listening all this time with you going off and carrying on and what am I supposed to say now? Here you are all jealous just because you get half my votes in the (Evangelion character) popularity polls, I mean really if all you have is youth and energy you’ll be limited in whatever you do. (Maya cuts in here with the lines shown below) I’ll teach you that cute looks won’t get you everywherewith some physical education-(slapping Asuka) slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap

Майя: Umthis doesn’t really come off as a love comedymore like a schoolyard gang drama.

Мисато: You don’t say.

Рицуко: But the problem isn’t that.

Фуюцуки: -This isn’t good.-

Gendou: Mm. It’s not the plot that needs changing. That isn’t my Rei out there.

Кароль: …slap slap slap. … “Anta-baka” “Anta-baka.You’re the baka. Hm. …Ahh, much better.

Part 5 (8:12-9:29):

Мисато: So we’re keeping Rei as she is.

Рицуко: But we are in a monotone and dangerous slump. Isn’t there some radical new idea that can break the pattern?

Asuka: Herehere! I’ve got just such a superawesome good idea!

Мисато: Што гэта, Asuka?

Asuka: A sentai show!

All: A sentai show!?

Asuka: Ды! It already has a 40 year history, with a proud heritage in special effects. Doing a sentai show would be the best way to go!

Синдзи: But nowadays only children and otaku watch them.

Asuka: What are you, stupid? That’s what I’m going after. In addition to the big grownups we’ll have the little kiddies and it’d be a textbook example of killing two birds with one stone! Our popularity would double!

Мисато: Huh!

Рицуко: She has a point.

Asuka: Luckily we do have five pilots, so everything’s already set.

Синдзи: Um, who’s going to be the main character?

Asuka: Well of course the leader has to be the one wearing red, the color of justice.

Kaoru: It can’t be me?

Asuka: What are you talking about? It’s always been that the red one’s the leader; it’s a law!

Touji: She suggested the sentai idea just so she could be the leader.

Asuka: God, you’re nitpicky for a boy. There’s no reason to wait; let’s do it.

Part 6 (9:29-11:40):

(Translator’s note: A parody of the formulaic sentai genre, where there’s always 5 people in different colored nylon suits battling aliens, e.g. Power Rangers)

An energetic Asuka and mumbling Rei, Синдзи, Touji and Kaoru: Shinsentai (as opposed toshinseiki”) Evangelion!

(cheesy explosions and Angel’s grumblings)

Мисато: A new angel has arrived! All members, scramble!

Asuka: Роджэр! Everyone! Let’s go!

Кароль, Синдзи, Touji, and Kaoru (unmotivated and uncoordinated): Роджэр.

(More cheesy angel grumblings)

Asuka: Halt! Her suit color is the crimson of Justice! Representing effort and hardiness, Second Red! Her suit color is as blank as her brain, mute and stagnant, First White!

Кароль: I don’t mind. She comes with the job.

Asuka: His suit color is the blue of depression! A hard-core baka, the antisocial Third Blue!

Синдзи: Can’t run away.

Asuka: His suit color is the green of his Kansai accent (I don’t get it- Translator) A hot-headed epicure, Fourth Green!

Touji: Can I get down now?

Asuka: His suit color is the black of passive-aggressiveness, narcissistic to the core, Fifth Black!

Kaoru: Songs are nice.

Asuka: Cutting a path through this severe era, we’re Shinsentai Evangelion! …Ha! Prog Blade! (yet more cheesy sounds of battle) Palette Blaster! (Boom, smash)

Мисато: Oh no, Asuka’s hogging the show.

Рицуко: How are the results of the research?

Hyuuga: Not good. The ratings haven’t budged an inch.

Майя: No complaint phonecalls.

Aoba: The fax is still silent.

Мисато: In other words, nobody’s watching.

Фуюцуки: We’ll have to do a re-take.

Gendou: Mm.

Part 7 (11:40-13:24):

Мисато: I guess this means that people just aren’t looking for another sentai show these days.

Рицуко: I think we went wrong when we adopted an institution without making any changes of our own. We’ve learned our lesson.

Asuka: (mumbling) Ох, what’s wrong with it, as long as some people like it?

Мисато: So our attempt at radical change failed, but if we don’t change something we’re finished.

Рицуко: If we don’t change something we’ll just thin out and die away like a candle flame.

Синдзи: Umwhat about taking in our viewers opinions and using themforum, ideas…?

Kaoru: A fabulous idea. Very good, Синдзи.

Майя: So we’ll be walking step by step with the trends of the times.

Asuka: But if you spend all your time listening to the viewers you’ll never make anything good.

Мисато: We haven’t a choice now. There’s no worth to a product that doesn’t sell.

Рицуко: (Papers rustling) Misato-sansa, how about this?

Мисато: Гм? Let’s see. (reading letter) “Why is it that although the Evas are giant robots, they can’t transform or combine? That’s boring”!?

Asuka: (Claps hands together) Of course!

Aoba: He has

Майя: …a point.

Hyuuga: But how are we going to get them to transform all of a sudden?

Asuka: I know! First, we have them get completely creamed once.

Hyuuga: And then we interrupt it with a commercial or end the episode, then introduce the change.

Рицуко: I see, a fundamental overhaul of the mechas in the middle of the seriesalso known as thepower up”…

Мисато: Didn’t we already change the Model Zero once?

Asuka: That was nothing! All we did was change the colors a bit! We’re talking something much bigger here.

Синдзи: What’s wrong with the Eva’s we have now?

Asuka: You never cease to amaze me with your ultradenseness. There’s nothing as untrendy as a giant robot nowadays that can’t even fly.

Рицуко: It doesn’t even have enough weapons for us to be able to sell weapon sets independently of the toy robots.

Фуюцуки: So we’ll have the Evas transform and combine, and introduce new power-up parts.

Gendou: I have no qualms.

Part 8 (13:24-15:30):

Мисато: Are all three units ready? The time has come for us to try the new transform/combine system. We’re counting on you!

Asuka: Leave it to us! You better be ready, Синдзи.

Синдзи: Ах, yeah. Transforming…. uh, EvaJet. (Big transforming sounds)

Майя: Дзіўны! The Eva-1 transformed from Japan’s number one export, a sedan, to a jumbo jet!

Asuka: CHAAAAAANGE! EVATRAIN! SWITCH-ONNN!!! (More big transformation sounds, along with the sound of a cross-country train)

Aoba: Whoa, the Eva-2 changed from the symbol of modern engineering, the Tokyo Tower, to an Eagle Bullet Train!!

Кароль: Change, Eva Ship. (More sounds)

Hyuuga: Ды! The Eva-zero changed from the epitome of maritime technology, the oil tanker Idemitsu-maru, to a general purpose warship!

Asuka: Get ready to combine!!

Кароль>, Синдзи: Роджэр.

Asuka, Кароль, Синдзи: The three become one! Evangelion II!! (More sounds)

Aoba: My god, the three units combined to form a giant robotic replica of Akebono, the sumo wrestler!

Asuka: On top of this, depending on the order and method of combination, it can turn into the famous make-out spot, Rainbow Bridge, or one of the construction wonders of the world, the Kurion Dam, or even all 53.85 kilometers of the Seikan Tunnel!!

Мисато: Like a phoenix from the ashes, the Evas have been reborn as the embodiment of every toy manufacturer’s fantasy!

Asuka: Evangelion II, GO!! (sounds) Broadsword, giant slash! (Angel sounds)

Рицуко: Так, how does the market research look?

Майя: Not good.

Рицуко: What’s wrong with this?

Part 9 (15:30-16:17):

Мисато: So issue here is the enemy, then.

Asuka: Of course it is! Who are we gonna fight anyway? We killed the last angel in episode 24!

Kaoru: Are you referring to me?

Asuka: Ох, you’re still here? Why don’t you just be a bad guy again?

Kaoru: У; to play traitor to my kind and convert to the forces of good, joining your side as an ally, all in the name of love, such is the dramatic role allotted to tragics like myself. Especially for beautiful tragics like myself.

Кароль: Stay then.

Рицуко: We haven’t much time. Lets organize our situation.

Майя: One problem that’s plagued us is that what the angels -were- was never really clear.

Фуюцуки: They were rather mysterious and nobody really got them, did they?

. Gendou: У. That would be our problem.

Мисато: So our focus is to solve that somehow.

Asuka: I know! How about if we have them introduce themselves?

Part 10 (16:17-17:32):

(Ominous music)

Scary Voice: I am from Mars, one of theBlackGod”-ian race. Foolish humans; I shall kill you all with the Space Angels under my power!

(Cheesy sci-fi space explosions)

Asuka: See! Now the enemy’s identity, goals, and organization are clear as day!

Hyuuga: Clear as polished glass.

Мисато: So instead of using the worderadicateas we’ve been doing, we should’ve just saidkill them all,” huh.

Asuka: So all we have to do is introduce an second wave of soldiers from this guy.

Рицуко: We keep the designs the same and just use a different color palette.

Another Scary Voice: I am no weakling BlackGod! I have come here from the Great Black Hole, via the White Hole express, and I am the SpaceBlackGod!!! Using the Disc Angels under my command I shall kill you all!

(some more sci-fi sounds)

Asuka: And so our story shifts locations to outer space!

Hyuuga: The backgrounds will certainly be easier to draw that way.

Some animator: And instead of making the robots walk we can just drag still images of them across the camera. It’d save our production costs.

Мисато: Nice, Asuka!

Фуюцуки: Absolutely perfect.

Gendouu: Absolutely.

Part 11 (17:33-end):

Рицуко: I can think of only one other must-have ingredient for a serieslongevity

Мисато: Animals, of course. Animals! We need the mascot characters to contribute more.

Синдзи: Like maybe if Pen-Pen learns to speak Japanese.

Кароль: Good idea.

Рицуко: Alright then, lets have Pen-pen perform some lines.

Pen-Pen: And about goddamn time too! Here I am, sitting beside you all through the whole meeting; how dare you ignore me up until just now!? The all the currents of the times are pointing to us penguins, penguins, penguins I tell you! Just pop me on a TV screen and you’ll get high school chicks from the four corners of the earth swarming it, screamingHe’s so cute!” I’ll lay down the marketing plan see, first we

Мисато: Ох, god, Asuka stop him!

Asuka: Uh, waiHold on there, ya little… (sounds of struggle, Pen-Pen screams, loses ability to speak Japanese. Standard NERV control room alarms and buzzers start going off.)

Фуюцуки: We haven’t any time left!

Мисато: Lets wrap this up.

Майя: What else could we possibly add?

Hyuuga: Action, of course, action left and right, brain-numbing action is the

Мисато: As a woman I’ve gotta push the trendy drama series idea; It’s got trendiness, and drama; how can any adult resist?

Кароль: Feelingregret

Asuka: NERV gets destroyed in the first new episode.

Aoba: Develop old characters and introduce new ones.

Фуюцуки: How about a serial mystery series?

Hyuuga: We’ll develop a static and detailed internal universe!

Asuka: The Eva Brothers!

Touji: A story about the Naniwa Burglar! (A Kansai folk tale. Couldn’t possibly fit into Evangelion.) Or a blood-sweat-n’-tears sports saga would be cool too.

Рицуко: Didn’t you say you liked Kansai themes, Asuka?

Asuka: (In a Kansai dialect) Don’t you start grouping Kobe and Osaka together.

Kaoru: All of these still lack a certain grace.

Asuka: I told you to shut up, homoboy!

Рицуко: We could center the story around a single woman innkeeper.

Майя: We are set in a hot-spring area after all.

Asuka: And market the show with lots of bathing scenes?

Кароль: Feelingregret

Aoba: The meteoric rise and tragic fall of a university hospital surgeon with too much ambition.

Hyuuga: The show needs a sweaty dose of macho!

Asuka: What it needs is song, singing, a musical! The vocalized pangs of the heart! (Proceeds to demonstrate with extemporaneous song.)

Майя: But all of these will take up far too much time and stacks of celluloid.

Рицуко: That kind of service to the fans will ultimately ruin us.

(A brief moment of verbal chaos as the characters continue to spout the virtues of their ideas)

Фуюцуки: This isn’t good; we aren’t approaching any conclusion.

Aoba: We might as well stop and take a vote here.

Hyuuga: У; I don’t think we even have time for that; especially if we mess up the counting.

Рицуко: We have to bring it to the studio in less than a few minutes.

Мисато: We need to slice this knot with a definitive decision.

Asuka: I’ve got it! We’ll do asound-only anime!”

All: “Sound-only anime”!?

Asuka: Yup. As soon as the show begins, there’s a blackout. That way, the screen can be blank, we can use a black plastic sheet for the background, and we won’t have to paint a single cel.

Мисато: Huh! I see!

Asuka: On top of that, if we have the actors make all the sound effects and sing the background music, we can take out the whole dubbing process, and get more salary to boot, three birds with one stone! If something’s still vague, we’ll spell it out in the narration.

Фуюцуки: We haven’t much choice; what the hell, we’ll do that.

Gendouu: Ды.

(The actors a capella a condensed version of the first episode, complete with an angel appearing amidst the sounds of cicadas and sirens, being bombarded by the U.N, then being pounded to death by a howling Eva that appears with sung musical accompaniment. There’s a kazoo in there somewhere too.)

Мисато: (in character) My god, the Eva-01 beat an angel! (Telephones ring.)

Майя: We’re being flooded by complaints.

Aoba: The fax machine’s not spewing any praise either.

Майя: We’re being overloaded, we can’t handle this input!

Hyuuga: The ratings meter is lower than its ever been; in fact, the exact reading is off the meter!

Синдзи: Argh

Рицуко: It’s shameful.

Фуюцуки: We should induce brain stem rejection; no, let’s just cut it off.

Gendouu: Ды.

(Sound of us being unplugged.)

End

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